


Mac and Dennis Get Sued

by hyruling



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Fake Marriage, First Kiss, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sappy Ending, charlie is a bad lawyer, the gang are all morons but we love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 17:08:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyruling/pseuds/hyruling
Summary: Mac and Dennis are sued after an RPG related incident. Charlie suggests they use spousal privilege to get out of it.





	Mac and Dennis Get Sued

**Author's Note:**

> mini fic from tumblr partially filling a "please marry me" prompt, partially inspired by this [post by ellie](https://softglenn.tumblr.com/post/182350389476/i-need-an-episode-of-sunny-where-charlie-teaches)

-

It all starts innocently enough. 

It’s a nice winter afternoon; most of the snow outside has melted, and it’s sunny and almost warm, sitting just north of forty degrees. The bar is closed, and they’re at home drinking beer and trying to decide on a movie to watch. Mac’s eyes suddenly light up, and he suggests in a fast, overly excited voice that they take the RPG to the dump to blow up some garbage.  
  
“It’s perfect dude, no one will care if we destroy anything at the _dump_. We’re helping them out, if you think about it, cause they burn it all anyway!”

“Yeah but the smell, dude,” Dennis argues, wrinkling his nose as he thinks it over.

“We’ll wear masks! We’ll use those weird bubble suits Charlie has, you can’t smell anything in those!”

Dennis clucks his tongue as he thinks it over, but really his mind is already made up.

“Alright, call Charlie and tell him to meet us there.”

Mac freezes halfway into taking a sip of beer. He shifts awkwardly from his spot on the couch, looking down at his pants shiftily.

“What?” Dennis asks.

Mac looks up and starts twisting the beer bottle in his hands. “Well it’s just… there’s only two suits, and I was thinking this should be like _our_ thing anyway.”

There’s a pause in which Dennis just watches him squirm, feeling a weird fluttering in his own chest. The bottle is spinning so quickly in his hands he’s waiting for beer to spill over onto the floor.

“Okay,” he says finally, and Mac’s shoulders drop as he relaxes. “Okay, just tell Charlie we need them for something else. Something he won’t want to do.”

There’s not much Charlie wouldn’t be interested in that would require homemade hazmat suits, but Mac must come up with something good because Charlie drops them off twenty minutes later no questions asked.

They drive to the dump, Dennis feeling ridiculous in the plastic get up, but at least he’s not riding in broad daylight with the helmet already on like Mac is. Mac directs him to a spot that’s kind of secluded, with lots of large furniture around that will be perfect to blow up. He wonders idly if Mac planned this and scoped the place out when he bought the RPG.

They shoot four rockets, whooping loudly and high fiving, even hugging after one especially violent explosion of an old couch. Dennis is smiling so big his cheeks hurt, and Mac seems to be feeling the same way, eyes crinkling as he laughs with Dennis.

Everything is fine until Dennis’ last shot.

He takes aim at a large broken bookshelf, and just as he pulls the trigger he hears an unfamiliar angry yell from behind them.

“What the hell are you doing?”

They whip around and see an old man in raggedy overalls carrying a fire extinguisher. He ambles over to them angrily, huffing as he picks up the pace. 

“Uhh - “ Mac stammers.

“What in the hell - you could have started the entire yard on fire!” He yells as he starts to put out the flames still simmering from the couch explosion.

“Um, we were just doing you a favor bro, don’t you burn it all anyway?” Mac asks, and the man looks up from the extinguisher incredulously.

“Are you kidding? What kind of moronic question-” he pauses and takes a good look at the bubble suits. “Never mind. I’m gonna need your names and IDs.”

“You’re not a cop,” Dennis says, laughing. “We’re not giving you shit.”

“This is private property that you’ve trespassed on and destroyed. Hand over the IDs or I’ll call the cops.”

Mac and Dennis share an uneasy glance. Dennis tightens his grip on the RPG; Mac notices and nods at him.

“Yeah, okay, we’ll just -“

Mac grabs Dennis’ arm and hauls him along as they whirl around and sprint to the car. They hear the man following them for a minute, yelling furiously, but his voice fades away after a minute. Dennis glances back and sees that he’s stopped chasing them. He laughs, Mac joining in gleefully once they reach the Range Rover. He tosses the RPG in the back seat and then they’re racing away, laughing breathlessly the whole way home.

-

Dennis is sued a month later.

A woman delivers the subpoena, asking for Dennis by name and fooling him by pretending she wanted to order one of his “famous mojitos”. He’s only made one mojito in his entire life, but she’s a solid eight and he’s never one to turn down a compliment. Just as he slides the drink across the bar, she returns the favor by sliding the blue folder into his empty hand.

She slips out of the bar, leaving her untouched drink right in Dennis’ warpath. He snatches it up and hurls it into the wall, ignoring the surprised shouts from Dee and Charlie further down the bar. Mac peeks out from the office when he hears the commotion, and immediately rushes to Dennis’ side.

He doesn’t even object when Mac rubs his hands over his shoulders soothingly, leaning slightly into the touch as Mac’s steady voice brings him back down. He steers Dennis to one of the stools, plucking the folder from his hands and handing it wordlessly to Frank. He starts to pull his hands from his shoulders, but Dennis leans back, wordlessly willing him to stay put. Mac gets it, and stays in position behind him, hands still moving gently over Dennis’ back.

“What does it say?” Mac asks after a few minutes. Dennis’ breathing slowly returns to normal under Mac’s ministrations.

“It’s a subpoena for Dennis to appear in court for trespassing and ‘destruction of private property,’” Frank answers, skimming through the document.

“Shit,” Mac says, hands tensing on Dennis’ shoulders. “The dude at the dump.”

“How did he find me?” Dennis asks, feeling his rage surface again. “We didn’t have any ID on us, and we drove away before he could call the cops!”  
  
“You drove? He probably scanned your license plate, dumbass,” Dee says.

“Goddammit,” Mac mutters.

“Hang on, this mentions a witness,” Frank interrupts before Dennis can lash out again. He looks up at Mac and Dennis. “Is Mac’s name on the registration?”  
  
“What? No, of course not,” Dennis answers.

“Alright well, just be on the lookout Mac, they might get you too.”

Mac laughs. “No way dude, I live off the grid. They can’t find me, Dennis’ name is on everything I own, right Den?”

“Jesus Christ,” Dennis mutters. He shrugs Mac’s hands off his back then and lets his head fall heavily onto the bar.

“That makes it easier for them to find you, Mac!” Dee points out, laughing derisively. “You’re both on the lease on the apartment now, and I was there when you listed Dennis as your beneficiary when you thought the mob was after you.”  
  
“What?” Dennis squawks, lifting his head and whirling around to face him.

“It was - you weren’t - don’t worry about it,” Mac answers quickly, cheeks pink.

“Don’t _worry_? We’re screwed Mac, you goddamn idiot -“ 

“Hang on fellas, I think I can fix this for you,” Charlie pipes up. He’d been quietly perusing the subpoena with Frank this whole time, though Dennis knows he probably only understood about a third of it.

“How?” Dennis asks disbelievingly.

“Because Dennis, spouses can’t testify against each other.”

There’s a beat of stunned silence, and then everyone starts speaking over each other.

“Wait, we’re _married_?”  
  
“That’s not right, Charlie -“

“There’s no _way_ -“

“That’s not a bad plan -“  
  
“Everyone shut up!” Dennis roars. They actually listen, and he realizes he’s standing, arms spread out. “Charlie, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Well, in lame men’s terms -“  
  
“Layman,” Dee corrects under her breath.

“ - you and Mac are already married. You have been for probably like, fifteen years now or something.”

Dennis feels like his heart is going to explode out of his chest. He’s lightheaded from how fast it’s beating, yet the rest of his body is completely unresponsive to anything he tries to make it do. He doesn’t dare look at Mac, but he can feel how he’s frozen as well. Mac is essentially just a ball of restless kinetic energy in a human mold, seeing him this still is unnatural.

“Dennis… is my husband?” Mac says weakly, hint of awe in his voice.

“No!” Dennis bursts out before Charlie can reply. “No, there’s - we’ve never signed anything or gotten any documentation, this is - ludicrous!”  
  
“No it’s not!” Charlie argues. “It’s called common law marriage dude, look it up!”  
  
“I’m not going to goddamn look it up, you’re full of shit Charlie -“  
  
“Oh shit!” Dee cries, looking at her phone gleefully. “He’s right!”  
  
“What?” Dennis croaks. “How - how could we -?”

“Yeah, this says that you don’t have to have a marriage certificate or anything,” Dee says. “You just have to prove that you have ‘held yourselves out to other people as spouses’, ‘lived together like spouses’, and - oh.”  
  
“And what?” Mac presses. He still looks and sounds like he’s just been hit over the head with a two by four.

“You have to both agree to be married. Like, publicly.”

Dennis releases a shaky breath. “See, I told you it was ridiculous.”  
  
“Well, if you want to get technical about it, you’ve already done that too.”  
  
“ _When_?”

“You’ve pretended to be a couple more than once, Dennis,” Dee says, gesturing to Mac, who’s suspiciously quiet. “You’ve lived together since college, and like I said before, you’re both on the lease, Mac has the whole beneficiary thing, _and_ I’m pretty sure you’re both on the same bank account.”

“I -“

He stops, whatever point he was going to make dying in his throat. He can’t think, his brain going blank and hazy as he tries to find anything to dispute what Dee is saying. Her mocking words from years ago where she compared them to an old married couple are pinging around his brain, invading every rational thought.

“Dennis, Charlie may be onto something here,” Frank says in the silence. He’s been reading the subpoena the entire time they’ve been arguing. “This don’t look good, you must’ve really pissed someone off. The amount of money they’re asking for, they could come after the bar if you lose.”  
  
“But how would Mac being my - being married to me going to help?” he asks.

“I already told you, spouses can’t testify against each other!” Charlie answers.

“He’s right, Mac is the only witness, if they try to make him talk, legally he can tell them to shove it, and then they got no case!” Frank adds.

His heart rate has doubled again. He chances a quick look at Mac; he’s staring at his hands and frowning, not quite the picture of shock and panic Dennis is sure he is.

“Dennis, this is the easiest way out of this mess, I’m tellin’ you.”

“Why can’t you just pay someone off?” Dennis asks, desperation creeping into his voice.

“The amount of money they want - we may as well sell the bar now and skip town. It would clean me out and then some.”

He takes a few deep breaths through his nose, trying to filter through the thousands of thoughts swirling in his head to find another solution. Frank, Charlie, and Dee are all watching him expectantly. Mac is still avoiding his eyes.

“Okay,” he finally agrees. “Okay, let’s -“  
  
“Wait,” Mac interrupts. Four pairs of surprised eyes land on him.

“ _Wait_? For what?” Charlie asks.

“I - Dennis and I need to talk about this,” Mac says a little shakily. “Dennis? Office?”

He takes off towards the back without waiting for Dennis to agree. He looks at the other three; they shrug, looking as confused as he feels.

He follows Mac to the office, closing the door behind him. Mac is pacing in front of the desk.

“Well? What’s up buddy?” Dennis asks, crossing his arms.

“Dennis I - I don’t think we should do this,” Mac says.  
  
“What? Why? You heard them, it’s the easiest way out of this.”

“Because it’ll be weird! I mean - you’ll have to tell people you’re gay, first of all -”  
  
“I don’t - that’s not a problem.” Dennis interrupts, waving his hand dismissively. “And I know that’s not a problem for you.”  
  
“No, but - but it’s _us_ , Dennis,” Mac says, emphasizing as if Dennis should understand what he means. He finally stops pacing and leans against the desk heavily.

“What does that mean?” he asks, frustration building. “Mac, we’ve done this before.”  
  
“I know but this feels different,” Mac argues. “You know, if they’re right we’ve like - we’ve been married for a long time bro. For _real_.”

Dennis sighs. “Mac, this doesn’t change anything real, okay? We’ve lived like this for years, we’ll just keep doing what we’ve always done. But now with a get out of jail free card,” he finishes, smiling a little to try and shake loose the tense frown on Mac’s face.

Mac shakes his head. Inexplicably, he looks hurt, and it’s starting to grate on his nerves.  
  
“I don’t like this anymore than you do, Mac,” he says irritably. “But this is - we need to do this, alright?”

He still doesn’t answer. He just keeps looking at Dennis with an expression like a kicked puppy.

“Mac,” he says as he steps closer. He takes Mac’s left hand, hears Mac’s quick intake of breath as he does so, and looks at him as sincerely as he can muster.

“Please marry me.”

Something cracks in Mac’s expression; he looks like he’s been knocked over the head again, mouth falling open as he gazes at Dennis. And then before he can process Mac’s reaction, he feels Mac’s hands come up to cup his face, mouth pressing against Dennis’ in a hard kiss.  
  
He grunts in shock, hands curling in Mac’s shirt on instinct. Mac changes the angle, and then his lips are soft and slotting against his just right. He forgets for a minute who he’s kissing, loses himself in the slick drag of it, moaning quietly when he feels Mac’s tongue swipe over his bottom lip.

He pulls back abruptly, and Mac slowly drops his hands from his face. He misses the warmth of them immediately.

“Um - what was that?” he murmurs in between heavy breaths. His heart somehow feels like it’s both lodged in his throat and trying to pound it’s way out of his ribcage.

Mac clears his throat, blushing and looking away as he answers. “Uh - practice? We’ll need to make it convincing if we’re gonna be telling people we’re married…”

The entire thing sounds like a question. He’s shifting awkwardly and not making eye contact, almost like he’s afraid of what Dennis is going to do. Dennis isn’t sure himself. He feels dizzy, thoughts even hazier than they were out in the bar.

“Well a little warning next time, please,” is what he eventually hears come out of his mouth.

Mac looks at him with a pleased little smile that makes Dennis feel all jittery. He steps back, rubbing the back of his neck and ignoring the fluttering feeling in his stomach.

“So, is that a yes?” he asks.  
  
“Yeah, yes, dude,” Mac answers immediately. “I’ll marry you.”

The fluttering escapes his stomach and buzzes through his veins.  
  
“Cool,” he says lamely. He retreats further away until his back hits the door. “I’ll see you -“

He twists the knob and escapes into the bar, leaning against the pool table and taking big gulping breaths. The other three don’t notice him until Mac emerges a few minutes later. They join the rest of the gang to plot the next move, and Dennis’ heart doesn’t stop racing the entire day.

-

The next move, as it turns out, involves Mac and Dennis telling essentially every person they meet that they’re married. The only requirement they haven’t met is to “hold themselves out” to others as spouses, which apparently means just acting married around a shit load of other people.

Unfortunately, it turns out that they don’t really interact with many people outside of the gang. Dennis casually mentions Mac to the barista at Starbucks three days after, which is also when he notices that he’s categorizing everything in terms of Before and After the kiss.

“Can I get an extra shot of caramel in the frap?” he requests. He only chokes a little when he adds, “Sorry, my - my husband has a sweet tooth.”

  
He laughs to cover up the hiccup, but she couldn’t be more disinterested anyway. She just raises her eyebrows a little in response and adds the extra shot. His hands are shaking when he picks them up from the counter.

“This isn’t working,” he announces when he walks into Paddy’s ten minutes later. Dee and Charlie are behind the bar, with Mac leaning against it on the other side. He hands Mac his disgustingly sweet coffee without even looking at him, and takes a seat on one of the stools two spaces down from him. “No one I’ve talked to gives a shit that we’re married.”  
  
“Who have you talked to?” Dee asks. She tries to sneak a sip of his coffee, but he slaps her hand away and drains half of it in one gulp.

“The guy that works at the gas station, and the barista at Starbucks.”

Dee blinks at him. “Dennis, that’s only two people. You’ve only told _two_ people?”

“I - I’ve been preoccupied, okay?”

“I’ve told like, everyone at the gym already dude, you gotta pick it up,” Mac interjects.

“Yeah, I’m aware, thanks _sweetheart_ ,” Dennis says sarcastically. His tone is venomous, but he doesn’t miss the way Mac chokes a little on his coffee anyway.

“We might be going about this all wrong,” Charlie says. “The people that need to believe it are like, people you see everyday.”

“ _Obviously_ , Charlie, that’s what we’re doing -“  
  
“No wait, I mean like… our regulars! Those are the only people besides us you two see everyday.”

“Oh, shit you’re right Charlie,” Dee agrees.

Dennis scoffs, while Mac looks contemplative. “What do you mean, we just announce to the bar that we’re married?”

“Well you don’t have to be that tacky about it,” Dee laughs. “Just be like, affectionate in the bar, use some gross pet names. That way if anyone comes asking, they can back you up.”

Dennis stares into the dregs of his coffee as he considers. It is an easier tactic than inviting everyone they know over for a dinner party to announce the marriage, which was what his next idea was.

  
“Okay, it’s a good start,” he agrees. Mac nods in agreement. “We need to make it convincing, the trial is in March, that’s only six weeks away.”

“Right,” Mac says.

Almost as if on cue, the door opens and their first customer staggers in. It’s one of their regulars. Dennis’ eyes find Mac’s; he briefly registers the panic he sees on his face before Mac literally trips over himself in an effort to close the distance between them. He stands next to the stool Dennis is seated on, and throws his arm around Dennis’ waist, tugging him close and nearly pulling him off the stool completely. He catches himself by gripping Mac’s sleeve.

“Dude, chill,” Dennis hisses as the man reaches the counter. He hears him order a beer; Dee hands it to him, and then he’s settling into a booth before they can even throw in a petname.

“ _Dee_ ,” Mac snaps. His arm is still around Dennis’ waist. “We didn’t even get to say anything.”

“Relax, he can still see you,” Dee replies. She inclines her head to where he’s sitting. Dennis peers over his shoulder and sees that they’re directly in his line of vision.

“Okay, Mac do something,” Dennis whispers.  
  
“Like what?” Mac responds just as quietly.

“ _Anything_ , dude, anything that makes us look like a couple.”

Mac hesitates for a minute. Dennis can see him working it out in his head, and then Mac starts laughing, loud and fake right in his ear. He frowns, and Mac is looking at him significantly as he pretends to laugh. He catches on and laughs too, sneaking a glance behind them. The man is nursing his beer and barely paying attention.

Mac must notice too, because he leans down and kisses Dennis’ cheek softly. He pulls away and looks down at Dennis with an adoring expression, before shifting his eyes back to the customer.  
  
“That… was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” Charlie comments once the fake laughter has died down.

“Yeah, what in the shit _was_ that?” Dee adds.

Mac furrows his eyebrows, grinning a little self consciously as he removes his arm from Dennis’ back. “What do you mean? I was flirting.”  
  
“You call that _flirting_?” Dee asks, gaping. “Jesus Christ, that explains a lot.”  
  
“What are you talking about, I can flirt! Dennis, tell her!”

“Okay okay, first of all, lower your goddamn voice,” Dennis says quietly. He lifts a hand to Mac’s cheek, thumb brushing over his skin as he speaks. “Second of all… no, that was terrible.”

“That - I was under _pressure_!”

“Shhh shhh, I know, relax baby boy,” he shushes him. Mac visibly softens, turning to putty in Dennis’ hand. He makes a show of caressing his hand over Mac’s cheek for another minute before pushing up and placing a soft kiss to the corner of Mac’s mouth.

His cheeks heat up when he sees Dee and Charlie watching him, amused grins on their faces. He drops his hand from Mac’s face and let’s it cover Mac’s hand that’s resting on the bar instead.

They carry on that way for hours, trading teasing touches while in direct view of the customers that filter in and out. Dennis finds it gets easier, feels more natural, like how they used to touch years ago without even thinking about it. He doesn’t take time to examine that thought closely, because he’s too busy trying to rationalize the way his stomach swoops every time Mac touches him.

It’s just because he hasn’t gotten laid in awhile, he reasons. With a jolt, he realizes it’s actually been months since he’s even tried to sleep with anyone, which at least definitely explains the way his body is responding to Mac.

-

Around eight, Mac disappears into the basement. Dennis leaves him alone for awhile, enjoying the break from the weird tension, but then thirty minutes pass and he’s still holed up downstairs. He leaves Dee and Charlie to man the bar and descends the stairs, calling Mac’s name.

“Mac? You in here?”

“Yeah,” Mac sighs. He’s laying on the couch they stashed down here a few months ago. They’d found the couch in the alley near the dumpster, and Mac had insisted they cover it with one of those clear plastic covers before he’d allow it in the bar. It squeaks as Mac shifts up into a sitting position.

“What are you doing down here?” Dennis asks when he reaches him.

“I’m just - just wanted a break,” Mac admits.

“Yeah,” Dennis says, nodding. He sits heavily next to Mac and leans his head back. “I know what you mean.”

“You do?”

His voice is hushed. Dennis lifts his head, and Mac is looking at him funny.  
  
“Yeah… keeping up the act kinda takes it out of you,” Dennis says evasively.  
  
“Oh, right,” Mac agrees. He looks down at his hands twisted together in his lap.

“I was thinking, maybe we should um… practice kissing? Again?” Mac stammers. “Just cause like, I obviously didn’t do great earlier, maybe if we practice it’ll feel more normal?”

It’s quiet as Dennis desperately wills his heart to slow. Mac grows visibly more anxious in the silence.

“I mean - forget it, we don’t have to - I just thought -“  
  
He’s cut off by Dennis’ lips pressing against his. He feels Mac sigh against him, like he’s been itching for it all day, and if Dennis feels the same way it’s not like Mac has to know. He kisses Mac slow, savoring it and not letting himself think. Mac’s hands slowly unclench in his lap and touch Dennis’ sides hesitantly. Dennis shifts, trying to find a better angle, and then breaks away from Mac completely so he can climb into his lap. He catches sight of Mac’s blown pupils and stunned expression just as he settles on his thighs and leans in again. His hands guide Mac’s face into the kiss, trying to find that perfect angle Mac found effortlessly the last time. Mac’s hands are running up and down his back; Dennis feels them tighten as their lips find the rhythm he was looking for. Mac moans when Dennis’ tongue brushes against his, and he shivers as the sound vibrates through his chest. He pulls away to breathe, though he’s still close enough that Mac’s nose bumps against his.

“Dennis,” Mac sighs.  
  
He can’t answer. His senses are coming back to him slowly; he feels like he’s having to drag them back from deep in his subconscious, the rest of his mind full of Mac, Mac, _Mac_.

He relaxes his hands, which he only just realized were threaded in Mac’s hair, and drops them to his shoulders instead.

“Uh, okay so - that was good?” 

Mac’s voice cracks as he speaks. Dennis can’t help the little laugh that bubbles from his throat. Mac frowns, eyebrows pinched tightly together, which makes Dennis laugh harder. 

“Don’t  _laugh_  dude, I’m not that bad! I mean I haven’t kissed like, a ton of dudes, but chicks always told me I was a good kisser!” 

“I’m not laughing at  _you_  Mac,” Dennis assures him. “Just - this whole thing is so...” 

“Yeah...” Mac agrees, trailing off thoughtfully. Dennis doesn’t get a chance to hear the rest of what he’s thinking because they hear footsteps on the stairs. 

Dennis tried to disentangle himself quickly, but his leg gets stuck underneath him and he ends up falling into a heap on the floor. When he looks up he sees Dee at the foot of the stairs, and he can tell by the look on her face that she saw everything. 

“Need you upstairs boners, we’re getting busy.”

“I - that wasn’t -“ Mac stammers, but Dee has already left. 

Dennis picks himself off the floor, taking a moment to clench his hands into fists and breathe deeply to move past his embarrassment. He starts walking to the stairs, but stops when he realizes Mac isn’t following him. 

“You coming?” 

Mac looks embarrassed too, shifting awkwardly on the couch. 

“Yeah I’ll um... in a minute.” 

Dennis stares at him for a minute, flushing when he understands. 

“Jesus Christ.” 

He wonders fleetingly if either of them will make it out of this with any semblance of dignity. 

-

Mac doesn’t approach him about “practicing” their kissing anymore after that, but that doesn’t mean they stop.

Mac starts to find reasons to kiss him everyday. Sometimes it’s legitimate; he tends to kiss him hello and goodbye every time he greets him at the bar. The first time he did it in front of the gang, he expected an outcry. He expected Frank to be openly disgusted in his specially bigoted way. But no one reacts. Dee barely glances up from her phone, Charlie doesn’t notice at all, and Frank merely raises an eyebrow before getting back to his bowl of peanuts.

One day Mac kisses him just for telling a joke he finds funny. They’re in the bar, and there are several regulars around, but it’s still completely unorthodox. The joke’s not even that good, and very unoriginal, and the only other person that laughs is Charlie, but Mac still sidles up to Dennis and presses his lips to his briefly. He’s still laughing as he does it, and Dennis feels him smiling against his mouth. He’s fidgety the rest of the day, and drops roughly five limes while serving tequila shots.

And then Mac starts kissing him when they’re not even at the bar. His lips brush Dennis’ cheek one day at Starbucks when Dennis remembers his extra caramel. He’s so busy shooting the barista a smug look that he forgets to point out to Mac that they aren’t at the bar.

The next time, they’re at the grocery store. Mac usually shops for most of their food, as Dennis tends to stick to the same ten low calorie items every week that Mac has memorized by now. They’re passing through the bakery when Dennis notices some particularly appetizing looking croissants. He tosses them into the basket, and for some reason it makes Mac pause and beam at him. Before Dennis can question him Mac’s mouth is on his, one hand on his neck guiding him into it. There’s no one around to witness it, so it’s a wasted kiss, but he’s too shocked to point that one out either.

It starts happening frequently enough that he stops keeping track, at least until the first time that he initiates it.

It’s three weeks before their court date. Mac’s subpoena to appear as a witness finally showed up the day before, and they’re at the bar discussing the case with Dee.

“Do you think you should hire a lawyer?” Dee asks, reading over the subpoena.

Mac scoffs. “What for? Our plan is airtight, a lawyer will just cost us a shitload of money to show up and do nothing.”

 _Us_. The other thing Mac’s taken to doing more lately is to refer to anything he can as “theirs”, “ours”.

“Still, maybe you should check with that lawyer that always helps us out, make sure he agrees.”

“No way,” Dennis says. “Last time he figured out where we lived and sent us a bill for five thousand dollars.”

“Yeah, we got this Dee, don’t worry,” Mac assures her.

“Everyone totally believes we’re husbands, right?”

Dennis shrugs. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve asked anyone, but no one seems surprised.”

For some reason that makes Dee snort, the sip of beer she just took almost coming out of her nose.

“That’s attractive Dee.”

She just keeps laughing as she wipes at her nose. Her obvious derision churns in his stomach for the rest of the afternoon. He knows exactly what she’s thinking. The phrases “old married couple” and “codependent losers” echo in his head again. He becomes increasingly irritable, snapping at Dee and Mac for even the most insignificant reasons. Frank and Charlie turn up in time for rush hour, and he immediately locks himself in the office.

Mac joins him an hour later. He’s not as upset as earlier, but he’s still a little on edge, and he hates the way his heart rate somehow both slows and picks up the moment Mac walks in. He’s in the chair behind the desk, knees pulled up to his chest. Mac sits in the chair across the desk opposite him.

“You alright dude?” he asks gently. “You’ve been in here a long time.”

“Yeah I’m just - tired, I guess.”

Mac watches him carefully for a minute but doesn’t push. “Alright. Um, so I was just talking to Frank, and I think maybe we should talk to a lawyer.”

“What? Why?”

“Well I don’t know man, Frank was talking again about how much money they’re suing us for -“

“ _Me_ ,” he can’t help but correct him.

“…right. Anyway, it’s a lot of money dude, I just think it would be a good idea to make sure.”

He can feel his nostrils flaring. “Well it’s not up to you. It’s _my_ problem, _my_ decision.”

“Are you serious?” Mac asks. He can tell he’s pushed a button, can see the telltale signs that Mac’s anger is rising. “It’s _my_ money on the line too Dennis! And I’ve been carrying this marriage for weeks bro, you haven’t even tried to be convincing!”  
  
“ _Fake_ marriage, and I haven’t had a chance to because you’ve been all over me all the goddamn time! And _you’re_ the one that didn’t want to do it in the first place!”

“You’re right, I didn’t, and you’re still going to end up screwing me over like always,” Mac snarls. “Whatever, I don’t need your permission, I’m calling the lawyer.”  
  
He pushes his chair away with more force than necessary, and Dennis just barely climbs out of his own and clambers around the desk in time to yank his arm away from the doorknob.

“No, you’re _not_ ,” Dennis snaps. Mac’s back hits the door. Dennis still has a grip on his arm, and his chest brushes against Mac’s as he breathing becomes erratic.   
  
“What’s the big deal Dennis? What are you really pissed about?”

He hates that Mac can call his bluff like this. It doesn’t always happen that way, but more often than not Mac can tell when he’s full of shit, and it pisses him off to no end.

He leans in and kisses him before he can think better of it. The soft heat of Mac’s mouth spreads through his body, making him shiver even as his mouth presses harder, almost violently, against Mac’s. Mac meets him in the middle, hands lifting to brush over Dennis’ face and then curling into his hair. He’s pressed against Mac everywhere he can be, legs slotted on either side of Mac’s; he feels it when grinds his hips forward slightly, swallows the groan that escapes his throat.

It’s several minutes, or possibly hours, before they break apart this time. Mac looks ruined, lips puffy and red, and it takes all of his self control not to dive back in.

“Den?” Mac breathes in the silence. “Um… no one’s here.”

Dennis swallows hard, shaky feeling that’s becoming disturbingly familiar wracking through his chest.

“I know,” he says quietly.

He pushes Mac out of the way, an easier feat than usual, likely because Mac looks just as unsteady as he feels. He rips the door open and sprints to the alley before Mac or anyone can stop him.

-

Mac finds him at home a few hours later. He’s finished all the beer in the apartment and is drinking whiskey straight from the bottle in the living room.

“What time is it?” is the first question out of his mouth. He lost track of time after he polished off the last beer.

“One,” Mac answers.

He drops his keys in their junk bowl and takes off his jacket. Dennis takes a moment to consider the amount of random shit they’ve both accumulated over the years that has ended up in that bowl, mixing together so thoroughly he can’t even be sure who’s stuff is who’s anymore. He can’t even count how many times he’s accidentally taken Mac’s keys, or vice versa. Mac even has the spare key to the Range Rover, so it’s probably happened even more times than he’s even aware of.

Mac is sitting next to him by the time he climbs out of that hazy, drunk train of thought and back to the present. Mac leans back against the cushions, thigh pressing against his, and he’s struck with an urge to lay his head on his shoulder. Mac plucks the bottle of whiskey out of his hands without a word and takes a swig.

“Dennis, what happens after the trial?”

It’s not the question he was expecting.

“What?” he asks dumbly.

“I mean, what do we do? Are we - are we still married? Because if Charlie’s right like, we’ll still technically be - you know.”

He hadn’t even considered that, hadn’t thought past March 11th at all.

“I don’t - I guess we’ll just go back to normal,” Dennis suggests, voice pitching higher at the end like a question.

Mac presses his lips together, nodding as if that was the answer he expected. Dennis can’t read him, can’t tell how he feels about it. He waits for a response, but Mac just drinks, taking another long swig from the bottle.

“I um - I got you something,” Mac says after awhile.

He digs in the pocket of his jeans, and pulls out a small cardboard box. He hands it to Dennis without looking at him. Dennis opens the box, and his heart stops when he sees what’s in it.

“It’s not expensive or anything, I just thought - it’d look more real, you know. I got one as thin as I could find, I know they irritate your fingers.”

He stares at the small gold band, sitting innocently on some thick cottony material. He watches as if from outside his body as his fingers pluck it from the box, as they slide it on his left ring finger. It fits, and the material is thin enough that he barely notices it’s there.

“Did you,” he clears his throat, suddenly tight and hoarse. “Did you get one?”

Mac rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “No I - it’s from a pawn shop dude, they didn’t have another one. I can get like a gumball machine ring so we match. If you think it’s a good idea.”

“Yeah. Probably smart,” is all he manages.

They sit quietly together for awhile before Mac finally mutters a quiet goodnight and retreats to his room. Dennis stays on the couch for a long time, staring at nothing and twisting the ring on his finger for hours.

-

Before he can blink, it’s March 11th, and he’s standing on the courthouse steps with Mac. He’d forced Mac to buy a real button down and tie. They kept it simple, white shirt, black tie, the kind of no nonsense outfit you’d expect to see in court. He can’t help looking him up and down every so often. It’s fascinating how different he looks in clothing that’s not sleeveless tees and combat boots.

They’d continued the same routine as before in the weeks after Mac gave him the ring. Mac kissed him in public, both at the bar and at their other regular haunts. Dennis made an effort to laugh extra hard at his jokes, to throw his arm around his shoulders and rest his hand on the small of Mac’s back. He even managed to initiate a chaste kiss when Mac offered to change the keg for him once. He avoided eye contact with him the rest of the day, unable to stand the way Mac had looked at him afterwards. Mac introduced Dennis as his husband enough times that it started to sound normal to his ears, though it still didn’t stop his heart from jumping every time.

He straightens his own tie nervously, and pulls out his handheld mirror to be sure he concealed the bags under his eyes adequately. He was up all night, letting nerves get the better of him despite believing with ninety percent certainty that they were going to get away with it. Another three percent is sure that even if they don’t, Frank will be able to get them out of it somehow, will save them from losing the bar and their apartment and virtually everything they own. The other seven percent made itself known in the form of relentless vomiting and insomnia.

“Ready?”

Mac’s voice interrupts his stream of consciousness. He looks at Mac, and is overcome with a sudden overwhelming desire to kiss him; he wants to lose himself in Mac’s warm mouth and ease the knot in his stomach. It occurs to him after a moment that there’s nothing stopping him from giving in.

He pockets the mirror and kisses him, slow and sweet, dragging it out for as long as possible. He’s instantly comforted, Mac’s lips now as familiar to him as his own. Mac must sense what he needs, because he cups Dennis’ face in the way that makes him feel safe and grounded. He feels the cool metal of the cheap ring on Mac’s left hand press against his cheek.

“Come on,” Dennis mutters as he pulls away. He grabs Mac’s hand, lacing their fingers together, and they walk in together, Dennis clinging tightly and only letting go when forced by security.

-

Charlie, as it turns out, could not have been more wrong about his understanding of common law marriages, or any aspect of the law in general. Dennis is going to kill him. 

Things began relatively smoothly. Dennis, representing himself, gave a short and to the point opening remark, denying the charges and claiming he was never at the landfill in question. It’s succinct and perfectly delivered, and he can tell the judge believes him as he takes his seat. Charlie claps when he’s done and is immediately silenced by the judge, though it thankfully doesn’t seem to affect her opinion of Dennis.

The plaintiff’s lawyer then makes his case, spouting some shit about memorizing Dennis’ license plate as he drove away, something thinks he can easily dispute with a suggestion that perhaps his lenses need adjusting. When he’s done, Mac is called to testify, and then everything quickly turns to shit.

Mac is asked exactly one question, “Did you witness the defendant at the location in question on December 29th?” Mac then claims marital privilege as practiced. Just as the judge requests to see documentation of their marriage, he takes it upon himself to give an impassioned speech about their bond, waxing on for twenty minutes about how deep their love is. Dennis is both moved and annoyed by the speech, and then when he manages to finally tear his gaze away from Mac’s overly animated face, he sees the judge looks deeply off put and confused.

“Mr. McDonald - “

“Uh, Mr. Reynolds,” Mac corrects. Dennis’ heart skips a beat; he’s useless to stop it at this point.

“I see no record of that here,” she continues. “In fact I still have no record of your union with the defendant, which is what I asked for twenty-three minutes ago.”

“Well - we don’t have the _official_ records, but we’re uh - common law husbands.”

“Common law,” the judge repeats blankly. “Mr. McDonald, are you aware that the state of Pennsylvania doesn’t recognize common law marriage?”

Mac pales. The fluttering in Dennis’ chest turns less enjoyable, and the knot in his stomach makes a reappearance.

“Uh -“  
  
“Objection!” Charlie’s voice rings from the gallery.

“Silence in the court!” She repeats, banging the gavel extra loudly. “Another outburst and you’re gone, sir.”

Mac and Dennis share a panicked look in the commotion.

“Now, Mr. McDonald,” the judge says, drawing Mac’s attention back to her. “Pennsylvania abolished common law marriage in 2005, so if that is your basis for claiming marital privilege -“  
  
“Wait but - but we lived together in 2005!” Mac cries, grinning as the idea gains traction in his head. “Yeah so, we thought we were married then, and have been living as a married couple since then!”

“Mr. McDonald I’m afraid I can’t just take your word for it, this is a court of law.”  
  
“I have witnesses!” Mac says, voice bordering on hysterical. “Yeah, my um - sister in law, Deandra Reynolds, and my best friend Charlie, they’ll tell you, we’ve been together that whole time.”

“He’s not lying.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s true!”

Charlie and Dee speak over each other, and again they’re all treated to the earsplitting sound of the gavel.

“Objection, Your Honor,” the lawyer cries. “The defendant has no solid evidence of their marriage, regardless of what they thought the law was.”

“But we share our money!” Mac argues, speaking over the lawyer as he tries to object to Mac interrupting him. “And he’s listed as my beneficiary, you can check, I brought that with me!”

He produces some folded up papers from his pocket, reaching up to hand them to the judge.

“Objection! Your Honor, the defense did not provide these papers to us, this is highly irregular -“

“Sustained. These documents would not be relevant to your case, I’ll allow it.”

She waves off the bailiff who’d approached Mac to take the papers, and snatches them from his hand herself. Based on the irritable scowl on her face, Dennis assumes she wants to put an end to their case as soon as possible. He can tell the lawyer is getting antsy too, and suppresses a smile.

She reviews the bank statements for their joint account, as well as Mac’s will. After a tense minute she sighs loudly.

“Based on these documents, it appears as though your union is legitimate. I can’t definitively prove if either party was aware the law changed in 2005, and if you truly have witnesses that will attest you presented yourselves as a married couple during that time, then I have to grant you your marital privilege. You’re dismissed, Mr. McDonald.”

Mac beams, bright and excited, and shoots a double thumbs up in Dennis’ direction. The plaintiff and his lawyer have their heads together, whispering furiously to each other as Mac takes his seat behind Dennis.  
  
“Unfortunately if there is no other evidence, I have to rule in favor of the defendant. Your submission of his license plate number is unfortunately inadmissible as you didn’t file a police report. This case is dismissed.”

She bangs her gavel for the last time, and the room erupts. Dennis stands and ignores the outrage from the table next to him, spinning around to face Mac.

“We won!” Mac cries.

The rest of the gang are rushing over ecstatically, but Dennis only sees Mac. He pulls him in for a long hug, and then Mac is kissing him. He senses hesitance in the kiss, like Mac isn’t sure it’s still okay, so he pulls him closer and melts into it.

“Holy shit I told you!” Charlie is saying when they pull away and Dennis comes back to earth.

“Charlie, goddammit, you’re _lucky_ Mac pulled that out of his ass up there,” Dennis hisses. “No more legal advice from you, ever.”

“I knew it would work out, the law doesn’t lie,” Charlie says loftily.

“Charlie I swear to god.” His arms are still wrapped around Mac, otherwise they’d be wringing Charlie’s neck.

“Come on let’s go,” Dee interrupts. “Garbage man looks murderous over there.”  
  
They all chance a glance over their shoulder at the plaintiff desk. The lawyer seems to be trying to talk his client off the ledge. Mac waves, and then takes Dennis’ hand and leads him out of the courtroom.

Mac pauses when they reach the threshold, and tells the rest of the gang to go ahead without them. Dennis looks at him questioningly as they leave.

“Um… I think I saw - we can pick up divorce papers while we’re here, if you want,” Mac says quietly, looking at his feet.

Dennis looks down at their joined hands, sees the gold of his ring glinting at him in the sunlight.

“Mac, we’re not really married, weren’t you listening in there?”

“Uh, I think we are,” Mac argues, meeting his eyes again. “We were living together in 2005, and also I think a judge saying we’re married makes it pretty official.”

He can’t really come up with a solid argument for that.

“Still,” Dennis says, squeezing Mac’s hand. “We should probably - stay married for awhile. It would be suspicious if we got divorced so quickly.”

Mac grins in the warm way that lights up his whole face, and Dennis can’t stop himself from leaning in and kissing him again.

-

They revisit the courthouse six months later. They sign a real marriage certificate instead of divorce papers, and Dennis gives Mac a real ring that doesn’t turn his finger green. He’s still wearing his, hasn’t taken it off since Mac gave it to him. They wear suits, and they don’t invite the gang, but they do close up early and get extra hammered at the bar that night. Dee plays every mushy song they have on the jukebox and takes pictures as they slow dance around the bar. Frank tries to offer terrible marriage advice, and Charlie crows over and over that they owe him big for being the mastermind. He doesn’t even get mad when Mac changes Dennis’ name in his phone to “Hubby” with several eggplant and heart emojis next to it. And that night when Mac presses him into their mattress, kissing him slow and breathing little exhalations of “I love you,” into his skin, Dennis says it back.

**Author's Note:**

> :) i'm on tumblr [here](http://hyruling.tumblr.com) xo


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